


Do Me a Favour

by piershoesz



Series: Haikyuu Drabbles/Stories! [3]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Emotional Baggage, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Heavy Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Iwaizumi Hajime/Oikawa Tooru Angst, M/M, References to Arctic Monkeys, Suicide Attempt, hopefully it came out decent, im sorry i wrote this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-29
Updated: 2021-01-29
Packaged: 2021-03-16 00:29:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,665
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28697727
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/piershoesz/pseuds/piershoesz
Summary: When a suicide attempt spirals Oikawa further into grief, Iwaizumi does everything in his power to help his friend since childhood through his problems.Though in the end, not all problems can be fixed, and Hajime learns this in the hardest way imaginable.'Do Me a Favour' - Arctic Monkeys
Relationships: Iwaizumi Hajime & Oikawa Tooru, Iwaizumi Hajime/Oikawa Tooru
Series: Haikyuu Drabbles/Stories! [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2080584
Comments: 2
Kudos: 16





	Do Me a Favour

**Author's Note:**

> Please be aware that this story contains topics such as self harm and suicide! If you're uncomfortable with these topics, I suggest you do NOT read further!
> 
> I finally decided to write Haikyuu angst, and because its one of my favorite pairings, I decided I would write an Iwaoi story. This was inspired by the fanfics Oikawa's Last Wish/es by DanaiaCake and April 10th (Which sadly I do not know the author of, their account is no longer in use).

_"Well, the morning was complete._

_Where there was tears on the steering_

_wheel, dripping on the seat..."_

"Hey..." 

Hajime whispers gently, a firm hand placed on the small of Oikawa's back and rubbing in gentle circles. The setter's sobs only grow, forcing their way through his throat despite his best efforts to conceal them all. Tissues are strewn everywhere, emotions are raw. The afternoon light shines against the tinted window.

"It's... it's so hard... Iwa-Chan..." He complains with heavy tears and a runny nose. Iwaizumi shudders at the nickname. It never sounds the same when Oikawa cries. It's always more desperate, like a cry for help. Almost as if Tooru's waiting for Hajime to save him.

He wishes he could.

_"Several hours or several weeks._

_I'd have the cheek to say they're_

_equally as bleak..."_

"You're gonna be okay. You're always able to bounce back from stuff like this." Iwaizumi reminds him, recalling the countless times where the other had called him in a panic, crying and needy. Hajime would sit and let him talk, let him vent his frustrations to him as he waited patiently and listened.

When he saw the setter again the next morning, Tooru always seemed to revert back to his normal self. Eyes glimmering in the golden morning sun with his usual laid-back smile.

And when Iwaizumi would question how he was doing, he'd always reply with an, ' _I'm fine_ ' or ' _Never been better_ '. All the weeks he had opened up, he always seemed to be alright by the next morning.

"N-no... not this time." Oikawa sniffles, his breath slowly coming back to him. His body's shaking less and less, yet Hajime's hand remains against his back, fearing that if he lets go, Tooru will slip from his grasp and disappear forever.

That's the last thing he wants.

Hajime's unsure of what to say after hearing the setter's remarks. He stays silent, allowing the last of Oikawa's tears to fall against the passenger's seat.

He's completely unaware that he's started crying, too.

* * *

_"It's the beginning of the end._

_The car went up the hill and disappeared_

_around the bend..."_

Hajime drives Oikawa home in silence, dropping him off in his driveway.

"Sorry... about that..."

He mumbles shyly, grabbing his volleyball equipment from the back of Iwaizumi's car. The other boy turns back to him and flicks him a look of annoyance.

"What?" The setter asks defensively. Hajime rolls his red-rimmed eyes and leans back until his head hits the headrest. The tears are gone now, thankfully. But he still feels off about what Tooru had said earlier in the car.

_"Not this time..."_

It repeats over and over in his head. Iwaizumi scoffs.

"Don't apologize, trashykawa. Just... promise me you'll take care of yourself tonight, okay?" He requests.

Though clearly not fond of the nickname, Oikawa nods his head.

"Yeah. I will." He confirms, picking up his items, walking further down the driveway towards the door.

"Call me if you need me."

Hajime adds loudly, backing out of the lot. Oikawa nods again.

He never ends up calling.

* * *

Practice ends the following day. Hajime's eager to head home and unwind, though by the time he's changed and about to exit the gym, Tooru's still slamming balls over the net.

"Take a break shittykawa!" He barks. Oikawa responds by hitting another one.

Iwaizumi growls, dropping his bang and storming over. The other boy's practically drowning in sweat, breathes light and shallow. He's shaking just the slightest bit.

"Oi, what's your deal?"

He questions, raising a brow when Oikawa doesn't even spare him a glance. Anger boils in his blood. Before he knows what he's doing, Hajime's grabbed a fistful of Oikawa's shirt and pulled him up to his level.

"Take a break Oikawa!" His tone is harsh and demanding, though it's not much different that it usually is. Tooru's still unresponsive.

And it isn't until Iwaizumi lets go that the other collapses in his arms.

* * *

_"Ask anyone, they'll tell you._   
_That it's these times that it tends..."_

Oikawa wakes in a daze, surrounded by a room familiar to him, yet not his own. He's quick to realize he's in Iwaizumi's room.

"Hey. You're awake." He comments, entering the room with a steaming cup of tea and some aspirin. Oikawa sits up, finding himself in Hajime's bed. He makes a move to stand, though the other boy stops him and pushes him back with a strong hand.

"Stay."

He orders, and so Tooru does.

"What happened?" The setter asks, taking a pill and quickly chasing it down with some tea. It's still hot, and burns at his throat just the slightest, but he doesn't mind. It tastes of bitter lemons and sweet honey.

"You passed out in the gym... I carried you back home. You're lucky I didn't leave you there..." Iwa grumbles in response. Oikawa chuckles at this, though its an lacking the lightless and life it usually does. Hajime can only assume the other's still tired from the brutal practice he pushed to hard to endure.

"Rest."

Iwaizumi says again, words just as firm. He snatches the bottle of aspirin from Oikawa's hands and slams it down on the nightstand. Then, with more careful reach, he takes the mug of tea and places it there as well. There's not much Tooru can do to complain. 

"Fine, fine..." He whines, but sits up just a bit and eyes Iwa, "But I need to leave right after... can you get my bag?" is what he requests. Hajime begrudgingly stands and goes to fetch them, surprisingly without a single word. 

When Tooru's sure he's left for the living room, he snatches the bottle of aspirin and tucks them in the pocket of his uniform pants.

* * *

Its was late into the night when it happened. Oikawa had left several hours earlier, Iwaizumi completely unaware of the missing medication.

His mother had come home shortly afterwards, swiftly shedding her wore attire in favour of comfier clothes. She prepared dinner for her and her son like she always did, and the two ate in a comfortable.

"I heard from Minori that you took care of Oikawa after school today." She commented. Iwaizumi swallowed thickly, unsure of how to reply. Though his eyes meet those of his kin, they were soft and understanding. His tense shoulders loosened, and his breath slowed just the smallest amount.

"That was very kind of you, Haji..."

The woman grinned. One hand outstretching over to the boy's side of the table and ruffling his hair. He smacked it away softly.

"I-it was nothing! I just..." Hajime trailed off, unable to think of a good way to form his thoughts into a sentence. His mother laughed and brought her hand back, tapping a finger to her chin.

"I understand. She also told me that Tooru hasn't been feeling well as of late." She spoke slowly, eyeing her son again. Iwaizumi nodded.

"Yeah," He confirmed, "He hasn't." His mother lowered her head a bit and slid her hand across the table, grabbing his and squeezing it gently.

"His home life has been hard on him and his family recently, I want you to know that. It's best we don't step in... but we'll be here for them if they need us, you understand that, don't you?" She questioned. Slotting his fingers in between her own, Hajime nodded.

"I do." He huffed. A smile curled it's way onto the woman's lips.

"Good. I'm glad."

* * *

It's early the next morning when she receives a call. Hajime's buttoning his blazer when he hears his mother's phone ring. In a swift second, she slides past him and lazily reaches out to take it. She rubs her eyes and nods as she does.

"Yes? Minori... what's the matter?" She questions. Iwaizumi's eyes instantly meet that of his kin. They lock for a moment and share a concerned look. Instantly, he knows something is wrong. The woman presses further gently.

"Do you need me to come over? Are you alright?"

Both wait in silence, the phone barely buzzing against the woman's ear. A hand moves up to her mouth.

"O-oh my goodness... that's terrible. I'll tell him right away..." She mumbles, quickly ending the call. She moves for the counter, legs wobbly. Hajime grabs her arm and looks at her.

"Tooru... h-he..." She quivered, his grip on her arm tightens just a bit.

"What happened to him?"

"He's in the hospital... Minori said he tried to overdose..."

Hajime feels a pit in his stomach open up.

_"To start to break in_

_half, to start to fall apart._

_Hold on to your heart..."_

* * *

He paces back and forth in a panic. The only color he can see being the pasty white that covers the walls of the Hospital. His head spins, his face is flushed and again, the words Tooru had repeated to him a few days before in his head.

_"Not this time..."_

"This is all my fault..." Hajime grumbles, finally giving up his movements back and forth and sliding into a seat. Matsukawa and Hanamaki are there, having been notified by their own families much like he was in the morning. They each pat his back softly.

"No it's not..." Matsukawa says, Hanamaki agrees, "There's no way you could have predicted this, don't blame yourself." he adds.

Iwaizumi's still not convinced.

"But... I gave him the aspirin..." He states, gritting his teeth. From across the room, his mother gives him a look of sympathy. She's got her arms wrapped around Oikawa's mother, holding her and trying her best to comfort the other woman.

"Baby, you had no idea he would take the bottle... you were just trying to help..." She states. Minori nods her head.

"You just wanted t-to help him... thank you..."

She says through shaky breathes and sobs. Hajime's heart clenches, he's unsure of how to respond.

"Mom!"

Another voice suddenly bursts out, everyone turns around to see who it came from. Approaching them are Oikawa's older sister and her son, Takeru.

"Chitose..." Iwaizumi's mother whispers, getting up so that the other woman can sit next to her mother. She does, and pulls her child into her lap, huddling with her kin.

"How is he?" Her words sound so small, she seems so scared, though Hajime already knew she'd feel this way. The team was well aware that Oikawa was rather close with his older sister. She often left Takeru in his care when they didn't have practice. 

"N-not well... they say they might have to put him on medication..." His mother says to her. Takeru clings tighter to his mother and tilts his head a bit.

"Is uncle Tooru sick?" He asks, his words evidently paining both women as well as everyone else in the waiting room.

"Y-yes... but we can get him some medicine..." Chitose says, rocking the child in her lap, he seems to be satisfied by this answer, though everyone else knowns its not the truth.

Hajime's own mother now stands next to her son, wrapping an arm round his shoulder and squeezing tight, her way of trying to take away the worry. 

It doesn't work.

"B-but... he's okay, right?" Matsukawa questions. His mother sighs.

" _Physically_ , y-yes... but _mentally_ we're not so sure..."

Everyone falls silent as the doctor walks up to them.

"I'm terribly sorry this has happened ma'am... we can recommend your son some medicine if you'd like." He offers, Minori shakes her head and looks up.

"That'd be optimal... but could we wait a bit? Surely Tooru would like to see some of us... wouldn't he?"

The doctor nods his head at her words. "Alright then, he would like to see some of you, in fact."

Chitose and her mother are the first to stand, they're escorted into the room swiftly, Chitose pulling her son along with her.

The rest of the Seijoh boys wait in silence with Iwaizumi's mother.

"This is awful..." Hanamaki finally mumbled, sinking his head into his hands. Matsukawa leans against his shoulder, clearly trying to comfort him. He doesn't say anything.

Hajime's hands begin to tremble, he can't help but feel guilty. He gave him the pills, he was careless to leave them Oikawa, even for just a second. He should've known better. He should have listened to what Oikawa had said and treated him more cautiously.

"Haji..."

The woman mumbles, attempting to soothe him once more. It doesn't work again.

Iwa and the others can only wait in agony to speak with their captain.

* * *

_"And do me a favor_

_a_ _nd break my nose..."_

It takes everything in Hajime's power not to grab Oikawa by the shoulders and shake him. He feels angry, and sad, and confused. He wonders if these feelings are normal. But what he wonders more if he can really help the other boy this time.

The setter's bedridden, but he seems alright physically despite this. The bags under his eyes are heavy, and theres a sadness in the air.

Iwa sits down in the chair next to him and prays for things to go well.

"Hey." Is all Tooru says. He sounds so calm, almost as if nothing happened. It shakes Hajime to his core. Why is he so calm? He has absolutely no reason to be, his family are friends are all worried to death over him. 

_He's_ worried about him.

_"Or do me a favor_

_and tell me to go away..."_

"Why'd you... why'd you try?" Iwaizumi asks. The words coming out stronger than he would have liked. The dull look in the setter's eyes give him bits and pieces of a story, but he wants to hear the words straight from Oikawa's mouth.

With an inhale, he mumbles a quick, "I'm sorry... I really made you worry, didn't I?". Hajime isn't quite satisfied by this answer. He reaches out and cups Tooru's cheeks, holding them gently in calloused hands from the years of volleyball they partook in together.

Tears start to form in both their eyes, but they're not worried about that now. The setter tilts his head over slightly, his cheeks red and snot running down his nose.

"I... I can't do anything right... I'll never... never be as good as the others..." He whispered, one of his own hands ghosting over Iwaizumi's.

The words hurt the other boys heart, hurt him hard. He remembered their middle school days, even then Oikawa was stubborn and reckless. Lots of injuries and emotional trouble, all because of Oikawa's twisted thought that he'd never be as good as Kageyama or Ushijima. 

"Why? Why say that?" Hajime asks firmly, the other boy winces.

_"Or do me a favor_

_and stop asking questions."_

The realization dawns on Iwaizumi that harsh words will only hurt Tooru further. With a sigh, his expression softens.

"Please... don't say that about yourself." He says, words much more gentle than before. This sparks a curious look from the setter. He runs his thumb over Oikawa's skin and sighs.

"You're... you're not them, obviously. But you shouldn't push yourself to compare yourself to them like that. You matter, _Tooru_. You matter to all of us. And you... you matter to me a lot..." He admits, it's the most open he feels he's ever been. And it soon dawns on him that it's one of the few times where he's spoken the other boy's first name.

When his eyes widen and he looks over, Oikawa's blushing. Cheeks glowing a bright cherry hue, and a smile adorn on his face. He moves Iwaizumi's hands aside and leans upward. Closing the distance between their lips, they share a soft kiss.

One which Iwaizumi's surprised to accept.

But nevertheless, they do share it. And as they let go, Tooru seems happier. And that's all Hajime can ask for at the moment.

* * *

The setter was back in school by the start of the next week. His family and friends keeping a stronger gaze on him of course. Most of his blades were confiscated, and from his complaining, Iwaizumi soon learned his mother placed a lock on the medicine cabinet, and refused to tell Oikawa what the combination was, forcing him to ask when he needed to take his own medication.

He also learned Chitose would soon be moving back in. Just for a little bit, Tooru explained, but he also told the other boy how she had become increasingly worried about him. And wanted to be as close to him as his mother was. Of course, Takeru would be coming with her.

"Seems like a lot of change is coming your way." Hajime comments. Tooru shrugs his shoulders.

"Guess so. But they're still my family. I just hope that nothing changes in our relationships because of... well ya know..." He replies. They walk in silence for a few minutes afterwards.

"Hey... uhm... one more thing..." The setter mumbles right before they reach the schoolgate. Iwaizumi turns his head a bit, staring at the other boy curiously. "Yeah?" He says back.

Tooru fidgets with his uniform sleeves, whispering a soft, "I-I'm sorry..." He stops for a moment, but continuous, "for stealing that aspirin bottle last week...".

Hajime's unsure what to say at first. In fact, he's unsure of what to say in general. He thinks back to the previous week, to when the other boy collapsed and he had to drag him back to his home. When he gave him the bottle and some tea.

He didn't know the setter would take it.

But he also couldn't say for sure he knew what was going on in Oikawa's head when he took it. So, with a sigh, he lurches forward and wraps his arms around him.

"Iwa- oh!" Tooru gasps as strong arms make their way around his upper back. Slowly, he brings his arms around Iwaizumi's waist and holds on tightly. Several students walk by, giving them both odd looks.

Both don't pay them any mind. They hold each other until just before the bells ring. Though no words are exchanged in the ordeal, Oikawa knows the other has forgiven him.

* * *

Several weeks go by. Now, Chitose and Takeru are settled back at home. Oikawa seems to be doing better, his smiles seem brighter, he's working hard, but not pushing, and for the most part, things have gone back to normal.

But deep down, everyone knows its not. 

"You know him better than anyone, if something happens again, you'd have the biggest affect on him." Hanamaki notes. Oikawa's headed to the infirmary to rest for a bit, leaving Hajime alone with the other two 3rd years.

"I know... but anything could happen now. One wrong move and he could be dead." He replies, first shaking at just the thought.

"I wouldn't go _that_ far... but Hanamaki's right. You've known him the longest, and if Oikawa is going to listen to anything from us, it'd definitely be you." Matsukawa confirms, taking a bite from his food. Though weary of the advice, Iwaizumi knows both are right.

He wonders what's to come in the near future.

* * *

_"Well, she walked away_

_while her shoes were untied..."_

Hajime reunites with Tooru after school at practice, and soon after, both head home.

"See you tomorrow?" He asks the setter, who nods his head with a smile.

"Course." He replies lazily, turning and starting off in the opposite direction. Iwaizumi stands frozen by his front door and watches. Staring at the other boy until he's out of sight. Then, when he finally is, he enters.

His mother waits for him patiently at the table.

"Haji, go and change. We need to talk." She instructs, Hajime nods. With a worried expression, he heads up to his bedroom to do as she says. Somehow, he already knows what they're going to talk about.

He comes down several minutes later. Under the light of the kitchen, he can see her cheeks are glistening, and her eyes are puffy and pink.

She'd been crying, surely. And Iwaizumi had no doubt he'd be, too.

Taking his seat across from her, she sighed.

"I know this is a difficult time. We're unsure of a lot of things right now... specifically Tooru and his... well... his wellbeing." She started, staring at her son with soft eyes. Already he felt the string in the corners of his eyes. His mother reached out and held one of his hands just as she did on the night of his attempt.

"I know it's not easy... you feel all sorts feelings. But in the end, remember that it's your job to be there to support him in any way you can." Hajime nods his head at this. He understands what his purpose is in all of this.

"But will he be okay?" He asks, eyes going wide, practically begging in his mind for a positive reply. He feels like a child for asking, but it's all he can think to ask in the given moment. His mothers eyes fall to the counter.

He knows he won't be getting the answer he's hoping for.

"Haji... baby... that I'm not so sure of. He might cycle depending on the situation he's in... so he might- he might try again..."

Her breath is shallow as she says this. Letting go of his hand. It's balled up into a first now. Iwaizumi doesn't want to lash out, but he wonders what else he can even do. While he's lost in his thoughts, his mother makes her way to his side of the table. She hugs him, letting him know she's there.

"You just have to do your best and be patient with him. Its the best thing we can do." She reminds him. Hajime finally lets out his feelings in tears. They roll down his cheeks and stain his mother's shoulder. Though no one pays that any mind. She simply stands there, rocking him with her as he cries silent tears.

_"When the eyes were all red._   
_You could see that we'd cried..."_

* * *

Its early the next morning. Tooru's waiting for Iwaizumi out in the street. He hesitates, knowing his mother's keeping a close eye on both as they depart. He reaches the setter at a snail's pace, though the other boy does not question this.

Hajime turns, giving his mover a quick wave and smile. She returns the expression, shutting the door behind her. Then, the two leave.

_"And I watched, and I waited 'til she was inside._   
_Forcing a smile and waving goodbye..."_

"What's her deal?" Oikawa asks once they've walks some distance from Iwa's house. He shrugs in response.

"No clue. Guess she's just worried..." He cusses to himself as he trails off, unable to form the right words. Tooru sighs.

"Everyone's been so on edge because of me. I feel like everything's my fault... I'm such an idiot." He mumbles, soft, but loud enough for both to hear. The words ring in the other boy's ears. Without hesitation, he reaches for the setter's hand and grabs it roughly.

Oikawa lets out a yelp.

"You _are_ an idiot!" Hajime growls, stopping in his tracks. He squeezes the other boys hand in his own and brings their intertwined fingers to his lips.

Then, he presses a kiss to the subtle purple bruises dotting Tooru's knuckles.

"I-Iwa-Chan! What're you doing?!" He squeals, recoiling a bit. Iwaizumi grumbles and gives the smudges of color another kiss.

"What does it look like I'm doing, shittykawa?" He replies. Though he's angry, his cheeks are red, and the tips of his ears burn. He can't help but think of all the stupid romance cliches he's seen before. 

"But you- you..." The setter's nearly silenced into a stupor. Hajime sighs and lets go of Oikawa's hand.

"We're in this together, whether you like it or not," He looks away for a moment before continuing, "A-and I... I want to be closer with you... closer than we've ever been before." He admits, cheek rosy and warm. Tooru's own blush flares, he's quick to pull away.

"I... but everyone else..." He mumbles, pressing his thumb to his lips and casting his gaze at the ground. Iwaizumi steps forward, sighing.

"We don't have to let anyone know... it would just be the two of us together... like... like old times..."

He crosses his fingers and hopes the setter will understand. 

_'Like old times...'_

Yeah, like old times. In the icy cold of winter where they'd go out and have snowball fights and drink hot cocoa, in the blaring and beating heat of the summer when Iwa would drag him along to catch bugs.

In the spring and fall where they'd stay inside most of the time, each with their gameboy in hand with a chunky black wire that hooked both up so they could trade Pokemon to each other and run around in the backyard and practice volleyball together. Hajime knew they both missed those days.

Everything was simpler then.

"B-but... it won't exactly be like old times... we-we'd be more... _intimate_..." Oikawa sounds hesitant, Iwaizumi doesn't want to push any further, so he backs up a bit.

"Only if you wanted that. Just know that I'm here and I'm not going anywhere." He says, beginning to walk off. The other boy's still, frozen in place with eyes wide and gaping. He's thinking, Iwa knows, but he doesn't turn around and wait for him.

He'll see him at volleyball practice anyways.

* * *

He does, thankfully. Though the setter can't seem to concentrate at all. He's more agitated, his serves are more vicious and unpredictable, and in some instances he even misses the ball entirely. 

"What's up with him?" Hanamaki asks as they're packing up the gym. Matsukawa's packing up their belongings as Iwaizumi shrugs.

"Dunno... maybe you two should head out... I think it'd be best to talk to him about it in private." He suggests. The other two boys nod at his words.

_"Curiosity becomes_

_a heavy load..."_

It takes no more than 2 minutes and they're gone. Now it's just Oikawa and him.

Alone. Together.

Iwaizumi gulps and heads to the locker room. Oikawa's sitting silently looking at his phone.

"Care to explain what the hell was up at practice?" His words hold a bitterness to them, though his voice comes softly, thankfully.

"Hajime." Is all the other boy says, but the name rings in Iwa's ears loud and clear. His cheeks redden, Tooru hardly ever called him by his first name, just as he did with the setter.

"Yeah?" He calls out, anger subsiding in what feels like an instant. Oikawa stands, slow and cautious.

His arms wind around Iwaizumi's waist, he bats his eyelashes as he leans in close.

"I love you."

He whispers, closing the distance between them. Iwaizumi can't help but feel surprised. Even just by a little.

"What makes you say that?" Hajime's quick to question, making Tooru laugh.

"All day I thought about what you said, Iwa-Chan... I want to be closer than ever before, too." The setter whispers, cutting off any further protests from the other boy with another kiss.

* * *

Weeks go by after that, and everything seems to get better slowly. Iwaizumi notices the tension between everyone lesson as the time passes. His mother no longer speaks slowly when Tooru is brought up over dinner. At Oikawa's home Chitose and his mother don't watch him so closely.

When the setter lays in the other boys arm and closes his eyes, his breathing is soft and calm, his bruises are fading and his muscles are healing after constant practice. By the time practice is over and the rest of the team leaves, Hajime is always sure to press a quick kiss to the other boys cheek and escorts him home.

He wants to believe things are getting better. But he knows he can't think that way.

Because every time he passes through the halls of Oikawa's home, he stops in the kitchen. And there always sitting on the counter are medicine bottles. 

And then Iwa knows that nothing will ever truly get 'better'. Tooru will and has been different. 

But Hajime's also determined to see it through that the setter will remain happy in his presence.

_"Too heavy to hold, too_

_heavy to hold..."_

* * *

"Iwa-Chan..."

The boy turns to his lover, alert at the sudden mention of his nickname. 

"Where do you think we go after we die?" Oikawa asks. Hajime stops, and shortly afterwards, Tooru does too. They stand for a minute, still under the fading sun.

"I never really thought of that to be honest... I guess we go somewhere up in the clouds though. Or at least that's what my mom used to tell me." Iwaizumi explains. The setter lets out a hum, reaching out to claim the other boy's hand in his own.

"Tooru, why'd you ask...?" The words come out slow, as if he's almost pained to say them. In truth, Hajime is pained asking. He's on high alert once more. Oikawa looks the other way and down at the ground, mumbling a soft, "No reason..." and they continue to walk.

_"Curiosity becomes a_

_heavy load..."_

Fifteen minutes later and they've reaches his back door. The boy climbs the few steps of the dusty porch and stops at the door, turning.

"You'll have to let me go someday, you know..." Hajime's eyes dart upward at these words, his eyes searching for and successfully finding Oikawa's.

They're dull and empty. 

"N-No... don't say stupid shit like that!" He shouts out, too quick to restrain. Bitter and angry.

"Why not? Because you can't handle it?" Oikawa's tone indicates he's angry, too.

"SHUT UP!" Iwaizumi barks.

They both fall silent under the now night sky.

"I know you don't want to accept how things are. I know you don't wanna face the scenario where you wake up one morning and find that I'm gone." He says it all so calmly, not even a single quiver. Hajime refuses to open his eyes.

"Look at me." He requests. The other boy still refuses. He hears the board shift and groan, then Iwaizumi hears the soft padding of feet towards him. He's buried against Oikawa's chest before he even knows it.

"I love you." He whispers in his ear, and these are the words that force his eyes open. They spill tears from them and stain his cheeks and Oikawa's jacket.

"I know that..." He managed to stutter through sobs. Tooru brings a hand to his hair and strokes it.

"I wanted you to know it again."

"Why?"

"Because even if I die, my love for you won't ever go away." He says, and Iwa's tears stop. 

They both stand together in the cold for another minute.

"Thats sounds like some shit you pulled from a stupid movie..." Hajime finally replies, and Oikawa gives him an exaggerated gasp.

"Iwa-Chan!" He pouts as the other boy snickers. He pulls away and plants a kiss on the setter's lips.

"I love you too. And my feelings for you won't ever go away either." 

With one last embrace, Oikawa makes his way to the backdoor, waving to his boyfriend as he heads in and shuts the door behind him. 

Hajime waits until the setter's inside before his tears return.

He knows everything Tooru said is true.

That's what he can't stand.

_"Too heavy to hold, will_

_force you to be cold..."_

* * *

The sun rises from behind the trees in the early morning hours. The cold winter air is swiftly approaching, and the windows and slightly frosted over.

"Hajime... Hajime!"

He's being jostled awake. The familiar voice of his mother ringing around in his ears. She's breathing heavy, there's tears in her eyes, and as Hajime sits up in bad he immediately knowns everything is wrong.

"What... what happened?" He asks. She turns to him as tears fall from her eyes.

"Oikawa's dead..."

She whispers.

Iwaizumi feels as if the entire world is crumbling around him.

* * *

He's pressed against his mother's side, looking down at the tombstone belonging to his lover.

Guilt pierces through practically every sense of his, his eyes are blurred with tears, and his throat is hoarse from the screaming and shouting of denial of the last few days. Hajime can hardly believe it all, that his beloved is buried right beneath his feet in the dirt.

The thought alone makes him nearly hurl. His mouth has to hold him tighter to prevent any sort or situation like that.

Chitose and Minori stand next to them. Takeru's there, too, but he seems confused more than anything.

Iwaizumi can't blame him.

"So... I can't see uncle Tooru anymore...?" He questions in a whisper. Hajime watches as his mother squeezes his hand and nods her head.

"Yes baby..." She confirms, and the pain is flooding through her voice.

Matsukawa and Hanamaki are the last attendance. Not many were invited, not that anyone cared for that. Oikawa was a friendly guy, sure. But he kept his group of close friends, and all through highschool the four stayed together.

Oikawa and Iwaizumi and Matsukawa and Hanamaki. Except now, only three were left.

Hajime clenches his fists, wiping the tears from his eyes roughly and bending to the ground.

_"And do me a favor, and ask, if_

_you need some help..."_

"Y-You should have told me..." He says with such a small voice. His chest is rocked with the sound of wracked sobs, and his mother kneels beside him and pulls him to his chest.

Chitose pulls up her black veil, revealing her puffy red eyes and tear stained face. She bends down next to the other boy and places a hand on shoulder. Minori's quick to do the same.

"I'm sure he would have liked to." The woman explained, her daughter nodding in agreement.

"Hajime, you're a very kind boy. You made my brother so, so happy..." Chitose added. Against his mother's chest, Iwaizumi's head rose up.

"Yes, Haji... he loved you so much." She confirmed. He hid his face again, still unable to accept it all.

"There are just some things on this Earth that we can't tell... I don't think Tooru wanted you to know the true extent of what he was feeling."

Are the final words from his mother. Hajime hears soft shuffling in the grass. Then, it fades away. He knows everyone is leaving.

* * *

His mother is the last one beside him, watching as everyone leaves together. She stands waiting patiently for her son. 

"Haiji..."

"Leave me alone. Please..." His voice is desperate and low. He's still hunched over in the soft grass, crying.

_"She said, do me a favor, and_

_stop flattering yourself..."_

Though disheartened by his response, she still tries approaching one more time. 

"You did everything you could, just as I requested of you. Oikawa went to you with whatever he felt comfortable sharing." She tells him. He shakes his head and looks back, finally meeting her gaze.

"When why'd be kill himself... I thought he would... I thought _I_ could help him and I-"

"Hajime. This isn't your fault." She's opened her arms to him once more, and he tumbles into them.

"It's not going to be easy to deal with. It never is. You two were inseparable since the day you met..."

_"And to tear apart_

_the ties that bind..."_

"Yeah." He whispers back. She holds him and rocks with him on the ground, hoping to ease his pain just enough to stand. It works eventually, Iwaizumi gets to his feet slowly, and his mother walks with him as a support.

"Lets get you home..." She tells him, helping him into the car.

* * *

He spends the next two days alone in his room, sunken in grief. His mother appears at the door every so often with food and water and blankets, but Hajime can barely hold anything down. He takes only a bite and gets back under the covers.

On the evening of the second night, his mother knocks. The boy doesn't respond, and so another minute goes by until she eventually opens the door. 

This time, she isn't holding out anything to him, or at least anything he can see.

"What're you-"

"Minori wanted me to give you this." She says, opening the door further, revealing an envelope wedged in her hands. She walks over, placing it on Hajime's nightstand, and pressing a kiss to his forehead as she does so.

"She says it was from Tooru..." She adds, and when his eyes jolt open and he bolts up in bed, she's already left and shut the door.

With swift movements, he snatches the letter and tears open the envelope. He pulls the sheets of paper from inside, eyes glossing over the familiar handwriting.

_Dear Iwa-Chan,_

> _If you're reading this, then it probably means I am no longer alive._
> 
> _I know you're upset, but whatever I felt until the end was simply_
> 
> _too much for me._ _I never wanted you to know. You already worried_
> 
> _about me enough, I wouldn't dare to make you worry any more._
> 
> _I want you to know that I loved you. I truly did. I loved you to_
> 
> _the moon and back, Hajime. You were the love of my life._

Hajime has to take a deep breath before continuing. Tears already staining his cheeks and dripping onto his hands. He's careful not to get any on the letter though.

> _But, as you can clearly tell, I am no longer with you. I loved_
> 
> _you dearly, but I was also hurting. It's all too much to explain in words..._
> 
> _so I won't go into any details on that. You must be in pain right now... I'm_
> 
> _so sorry I had to do this to you and the others. I never meant to have things_
> 
> _go this way._

The boy stops at these words for a moment. What did Tooru mean by this? He understood everything up until that last line. 

After another moment, he decided that reading further would probably help him find out.

> _I never meant to bring you in so close those last few months. I did love you_
> 
> _back, I know you know I did. But I was scared. I didn't want us to be together in_
> 
> _fear that one day I wouldn't be there for you. I guess I was kind of a coward in the end..._
> 
> _you really deserved much better, Hajime. You still do. Maybe I should have pushed you_
> 
> _away instead. You might have been slightly happier that way. I'm sorry. Know that I'll always_
> 
> _love you, from wherever I am now, my love will never go away. Whatever happens from now on..._
> 
> _It'll be different. But I know you and Mattsun and Makki will get through it all, as long_
> 
> _as you're all together. Goodbye, Hajime._

_\- Tooru Oikawa ♡_

With no more left to read, Iwaizumi set the letter back down on the night stand. Oikawa wrote it for him. Oikawa adressed it to him as his final goodbye. He wasn't alive anymore, that's why it was given to him. It seemed from how he worded it that even Oikawa wanted him to move on.

But how could he? 

Tooru was his friend since birth, they grew up together, did everything together. When middle school rolled around and the setter had his first experience with lows, Hajime was there. When they entered highschool and made new friends on the volleyball team, they still stayed together.

Now what would Hajime do without him?

_"Perhaps "fuck off"_

_might be too kind..."_

Oikawa knew this too. Now Hajime understood why the other boy wished he had pushed him away. Maybe that was his way of saying he didn't want to see Iwaizumi upset over his death.

It was too late for that now anyways... here Iwaizumi was, laying in bed and crying over the note Tooru had written him. It would be the last words he'd ever receive from his lover.

It hurt.

_"Perhaps "fuck off"_

_might be too kind."_

**Author's Note:**

> Welp, I finally finished this. And let me just say, this really hurt my heart. I hope you all liked this, and keep in mind it's only been looked over twice before publishing!
> 
> I'll most likely be going back in to fix mistakes some other time. But until then, hope this story was okay!


End file.
